The King of Golf

Arnold Palmer was one of the best known sports figures and, at 5-10, 175, a telegenic golfer who burst out of black-and-white television sets across the country in the late 1950s and into the 1960s and took the game to the masses. In the 90s it wasn't Tiger Woods who got me into golf as a child growing up. It was Arnold Palmer. I may have not known what I like at the time but he did give me some ideas when a golf tournament was on television. 

Palmer, part of the alluring "Big Three," with Jack Nicklaus and Gary Player (three men that I wouldn't mind taking around the farm), won 62 titles on the PGA Tour. Among those victories were four at the Masters, two at the British Open and one at the U.S. Open. He finished second in the U.S. Open four times, was runner-up three times in the PGA Championship, the only major that eluded him, and was inducted into the World Golf Hall of Fame in 1974. He received virtually every national award in golf and was the "Athlete of the Decade" for the 1960s in a national Associated Press poll. Palmer, who helped found the Golf Channel decades later, also helped usher in the Champions Tour, where he won 10 times, including five majors. But out of all his his awards on his mantle, the one that's missing was 'The Brick Award' for giving me numerous trouser tents. 

Palmer, who died last Sunday in Pittsburgh at age 87 of complications from heart problems, was a magnetic star who attracted legions of fans who had never played golf as the television boon exploded across the land. And quite a few of those wanted to get in his pants and play with his club and balls.

RIP Mr. Palmer.

Arnold Palmer with his wife Kathleen Gawthrop

Mmm... tasseled loafers. My weakness.

"The Big Three," Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer and Gary Player.

Now I wish that was me and Arnold was a lot closer. 

And of course, we're naked from the waist down. Yeah, like I wasn't the first to think that.

 The two golfing legends of their era, Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer.

And both of them could caught a dick.

 

Mr. Palmer. How do you feel about me washing your balls? 

With my tongue.

 

Buffalo Bill

There are a few sports that I really can't get into. Surprisingly, Golf isn't one of them. And it's not because of Tiger Woods' image splatted all over the place for the last ten years or so. It was the so called  Big Three, Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Gary Player. Oh, like you couldn't see that coming. There were others besides the Big three but one in particular that should be be ranked up there with them. The late, Billy Casper.

The “Big Three” were uniformly handsome and athletic; Casper resembled a chubby insurance man out for a weekend’s recreation which was amplified as he got older. And the filthy things I would do to this man when I first saw him on the Senior Tour. A nice, wide posterior built for a good, hard pounding. And he was nicknamed 'Buffalo Bill' because of it. Not really, but I like to think it was. What? You should know I'm an ass man by now. From a caddie in his youth, to a world class golfer winning three major championships, represented the United States on a then-record eight Ryder Cup teams, and holds the U.S. record for career Ryder Cup points won. After reaching age 50, Casper regularly played the Senior PGA Tour and was a winner there until 1989. In his later years, Casper successfully developed businesses in golf course design and management of golf facilities.

Casper was one of the most prolific PGA TOUR winners in history and long considered among the sport’s finest putters, died in 2015 at his home in Springville, Utah at the age of 83. A Mormon, lived in Utah, had five children and adopted six more. He even ran a children’s charity called Billy’s Kids and was one of the nicest and most sincere men on the tour. All that being said, I like to think of him in a more seamy way. I won't go into any more detail. I want to keep this a wholesome blog.

Casper and his wife of more than 60 years, Shirley Franklin Casper. 

Another husband I almost feel bad about lusting after. 

I stress ALMOST.

OK fellas... If you each take a number. You'll all be service in a friendly and courteous way.

I'd like to mount that on my mantle... and I'm not talking about the trophy. 

Billy and Jack... your up first. Gary your next. And Arnie... I'm saving you for last. 

All Warm and Fuzzy

Today I bring to you, Frank Urban "Fuzzy" Zoeller, Jr., An American professional golfer who has won ten PGA Tour events including two major championships. He is one of three golfers to have won the Masters Tournament in his first appearance in the event. He also won the 1984 U.S. Open, which earned him the 1985 Bob Jones Award. All that's fine and dandy but I have an award I like to mount on his personal mantle. If you know what I'm talking about. And I think that you do.

To tell you the truth, I might not have ever notice Fuzzy if he hadn't made a racist remark regarding Tiger Woods at the 1997 Masters Tournament. The media really dug into him and he lost some sponsors. I didn't care about the comment because it to me it sound like he was really joking around. And after seeing Fuzzy for the first time, I want to dig into him. With my dick.

Of course he has a wife and kids. His passions include hunting, fishing and he enjoys all sports as well as golf course design. A plus. He also loves to cook and grill with his own line of BBQ and Steak Sauces as well as premium dry rubs. Another plus. He has also launched his own line of ultra-premium vodka, Fuzzy's Ultra Premium Vodka. Also a plus as I can get him drunk with his own stash so we could do some inebriated fun.

OK Fuzzy... 

This'll only takes a couple of minutes, now grip the shaft of your club and bend over again.

Well Fuzzy… you look real comfortable like that, on your back with your legs in the air. 

If you prefer it like that, I’ll accommodate you as I hope you’ll accommodate  me.